#358 So…Ranting of Confusion

My mood swings. Like a seesaw. And so varied in spite of all attempts to try and keep calm and serene. I use these words a lot ag the moment. I may be getting better each and every day little by little. But it still does not dispel the feeling of fear I live with every day. The fear of not knowing how this will all turn out. Of course I don’t know the outcome. I don’t know what is the plan. I’ll leave it all up to the universe and just go about my business in my same old merry way. And therein lies the issue of right-now-ness. It really is not merry, I am old and I am alone. By alone, I am more alone with the difficulties right now. I can be strong, I can be confident, creative and make it look as if it’s all going in the right direction but it does not take away the feeling of despair that I currently feel.

So let’s try and examine this. Heloise and Orlando have left, I’m still hurting both emotionally and physically from my horrendous fall last night and I am suffering from the fear of missing out by not being in Antibes with Charlotte and celebrating Aidan’s 50th, I am lonely and seem to be retreating into my shell and I am always tired. My arm and leg hurt and it is so hard to continually come at all this from a sudden place of abundance. There is what we aspire to think and feel and then there is reality. Oceans apart.

I keep thinking that good news follows bad news and the same goes for moments. So I am just waiting for the moment to pass. But it’s such a long wait.

I am not at peace with myself because of my emotional and physical pain. I don’t expect to be happy and smiling all of the time. I know that I’ve got the courage and volonté to drum up couragio and take the necessary steps to try and combat this painful feeling. But, well it just doesn’t go away. If that could be written in capitals , I would do it. IT JUST DOESN’T GO AWAY.

I am now in the park surrounded by a multitude of heavenly autumnal colours as the leaves on all the very big oak trees are gradually turning. There is a fountain with a single jet that is pumping out lots of water into a pond and I find it is very calming. In fact the whole scene has a tranquility to it.

It is Sunday afternoon and that means lots of families are out walking. Grandmas with scarves and boots wrapped up against the cold , loving couples arm in arm smiling and laughing into each other’s eyes, young boys out riding bikes, racing against each other, and that makes me think of Orlando, the loneliness of the brightly coloured long distance runner, little scurrying kids with all the energy of the world. Life is normal. Their life is normal. And I am in it. I am a part of it. But I don’t feel that I belong. Am I a loner? I think I am.

I know that everybody has their aches and pains, their difficulties. Life is not a bed of roses for anybody, all of the time. In fact it is a bed of roses if you consider that a bed of roses could contain petals that are beautiful as well as those that are dying and all those that are already dead. Happy conversation rich families walking the dogs and puppies. Impatient yet eager to please Dads going for a walk with their young children on bikes. I don’t need to belong. Just recognise the scenery and lap it up.

This is exactly what I needed.

Forest Bathing

This is what I imagine forest bathing to be. I am so tired but I am very grateful to be alive in this beautiful beautiful world. Whoever said it was going to easy.

I cannot sit still. I am always wanting to be on the move . It’s not always wanting to go somewhere because I am not looking for a destination. No, well maybe possibly in a metaphysical type of thought. Now I’m getting lost. Part of my frustration is typing with my left hand when I am used to doing it with my right. I am always having to re type what I have written as the voice to texting is far from perfect.

Off I go again. This time and to a podcast on plastic recycling from TED. These talks are so inspirational and suddenly I am back home, lying on my bed, feeling warm from a lot walking, forest bathing having spent a wonderful time with Orlando and Héloïse.

Downs and Ups. As usual. This is life as we know it. The talks on plastic have got me thinking 🤔 and I will explore. Especially a company called WeDo.

Onwards and upwards together

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