#400 So…Where Am I?

Sitting on the park bench, surrounded by green grass, blue sky, wonderful sunshine and a lot of people out walking, running after children or just running.

And me? I’m running on empty. I’m trying to switch to the positive. But it’s not happening. I’m going to try and force it. Well that didn’t work , did it?

It’s tiredness. It always is. Or that’s where it comes from. I was up all night with Orlando and now I am so tired. I’m upset that there is a nice guy, a normal man, who decides to come and sit on my bench outside. In the park. It’s not even my bench. And yet that makes me upset. It just happens so quickly. He then took a call and started speaking really loudly. Because I was in the process of dictating my blog, his words started appearing in my blog . And then I get more upset, and he looks at me and then apologises. Probably because I look at him with an awful stare and then straight down to my phone, giving the impression that I cannot concentrate or dictate onto my phone with him making so much noise. He then gets up to take his politeness and person on the end of his phone away.

Once finished, he comes back and sits on the bench. Tilting his trilby to avoid the harsh rays of sunshine, he turns to me and smiles. And I begin to apologise for my behaviour.

I am ashamed of how I behaved. Extending my problems, guilt and personal issues onto a kind gentle man whose sole intention was to sit down and wait for his son so they could tour the park together.

I don’t like myself. For the unjust feelings that I had and still have. So I apologised explaining that my son was ill and up all the night and with my accident nearly 4 years ago, I am not in the best space or places today. He replies, as most people do, by asking what happened? I tell my story and he interrupts asking if I live by myself. I replay yes, but I have a solid network of friends and family, here, down south and abroad. And he is comforted by this news as he insists that people should not be alone. And with that he leaves with his son, whom he presented to me before leaving.

WOW!!! This is no coincidence. For 2 days I have been trying to reconcile myself with myself. Who am I? What is my purpose? Am in the right place? Etc.

I believe that these instances, are meant to be. These occurrences. Because now I am reflecting on that chance encounter and already feel different. It’s like I have had a weight lifted away from my eyes. There is clarity now. A sense of drive. Dare I say purpose? I don’t question it deliberately as I am too tired. But I will leave it up to the Universe to sort it out. All I know and feel is this tremendous sense of relief.


And then there is a new man and his wife who come and sit down on THE bench. Their granddaughter comes up to get a biscuit and some water. The grandma asks if she is having fun to which the granddaughter replies that they are playing football and one of the players hit her friend in the face with a football. To which grandad asked if the friend’s head was still attached. The child replied of course somewhat puzzled by the question. To which the grandad added that all must be ok then and returned to his crossword puzzle.

I couldn’t but laugh to myself. This proves that there is and are wonderful people in the world and that it’s important to take the time to notice them, recognise them and even thank them.

And then I think immediately of my chance meeting with Pierre and Claude at lunchtime who were so concerned to hear about Orlando’s stomachache and his vomiting ad infinitum that they recommended coke, banana and dried biscuits, which is exactly what I bought and brought back to Orlando. Now returned from my walk in the park, I see that the biscuits and the Coke are still standing on the table, but there are no signs of the bananas. At that moment the phone rings, and it’s my ex, who after learning what happened and after appraising the situation, confirmed he’s a veritable monkey. Which just happens to be what my cousins call me. Uncle Monkey. Too much symbolism. Too many coincidences. I think not.

I have just had 3 expériences with wisdom. 3 separate meetings with 3 wonderful gentle older men who understand the need not to rush. Who impart their wisdom at their own pace. We or I can learn so much from these occurrences. From these men.

Now I am smiling again and back on my road to recovery. Off to see the wonderful wizard of Oz. Or should I say my son!

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