#390 So…Cloudy Coffee

This post has nothing to do with coffee. I’m not even drinking coffee. Lots of herbal tea but no coffee. It’s more about a state of mind. The realisation of what has brought me to this point in my life. It brings to mind song by Stevie Nicks includes the phrase “clouds in my coffee.”

Verveine Tea

I don’t want to change the past. It is what it is. And it is what had lead me to where I am today. Who I am. Right now, I’m very happy with the wonderful people that have come into my life as well as those who have continued to remain in my life. Many have come and gone.

Laughter, happiness, joy, and fun. These have all been present in my life to date. As has suffering, pain, sadness, and selfishness. The latter being much more present than the former. I am talking about pre Coma. Post Coma, I am reshaping who I am, rediscovering what makes me tick and creating new memories and activities. And friends! It’s like I have a new zest for life and I am embracing it as much as I can.

This is not the time to go into the details, but it is a moment to reflect. Reflect on the how and on the why.

“Are you happy with who you are and what you’ve got?”, “How do you feel about what has happened in your life and how are is it going to manifest itself in the new chance that is to become your new life?” Good questions. It is exactly what I am contemplating at this moment.

I have just come out of my meeting with my Orthophoniste, Laura. And we had a great discussion about my cognitive abilities and how I am different with my new experiences. And how I am endeavouring to enjoy the new Mike. And to treat him as a new beginning, with new hope and enjoyment.

I have been almost obsessed with the old Mike. Cognitively. By this I mean I am trying to remember how I was and how I was able to process information so quickly. To get back what I have lost or rather the level of intelligence I believe I had. “Believe” being the key word here as I have an impression of where I was and how I was. But it is only a supposition. I , in reality, have no actual idea or recollection. I have a notion (of where I was and how I was) but no real memory of this state. I am not even sure that this state is something I should be even contemplating as it is not a fact. Not a fact that I can validate. In to deep. Getting lost. Man overboard. Throw him the life vest. Yadda yadda yadda.

But now it’s as if the page is turning. I would love to say that I no longer obsessed over my past abilities but that is not true. The obsession has been reduced enormously. It is still there but I am managing it so much better and hopefully it will have its place in my memory only. Soon I hope. Soon I believe.

I feel ashamed of certain parts of my life. The dark side. But it has made me who I am now. Whether that is due to the surgery and resulting coma that led me here, or that I’ve got to this point in my life through my experiences in the past, the point is that I am here. Loudly. Loud and clear. Well, perhaps less of the clear.

Off to talk with Carol, my psychotherapist. I really appreciate these sessions. But it has been a while and much has happened in between. But I am in a good space. The rain has been replaced by sunshine. Rain here means snow in the Alps so I wish my twin and Nick and Dick a marvellous week of poudreuse and fantastic skiing ⛷️.

Life is getting better. Slowly but surely. But it is. 🙏

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