I am in a really funny place. I’m sorry to say that I’m talking about my head. And not about where I am in terms of physical location. Actually where I am, in the park of Sceaux is anything, but funny. It’s beautiful, tranquil, friendly and quiet.
So the only sound, I can hear, is the distant chiming of the call to service at the local church, a far off aeroplane up up up in the sky, and little birds, tweeting and chattering, because they have so much to say.
So why is it a funny place? Maybe I should use the word strange or odd. The point being that there is a real healing factor when I embrace nature. Everything just suddenly feels a bit better. And by everything i mean life. My life at the moment. In this moment. So much better. More approachable. More amenable more digestible. I can’t seem to find the right word. But this the feeling after getting to the park. Walking lots of kilometres. Or so it seems like it.
Every day I manage to go for a walk in the park. It’s my go to place. One where I can find serenity, calmness, and be able to reason with myself in a calm manner.
Why do I come to the park? What is wrong or rather what is troubling me to necessitate going to my go to place? I am feeling anxious, uncertain, unsure and lost. Charlotte tells me that its a reaction to the full moon in cancer, and that many of her patients and friends are also experiencing similar symptoms and issues.
That may be the case in explaining the what and the how but doesn’t explain the curiosity of understanding the feeling yourself. The specifics appertaining to me.
I have a small circle of friends. All good friends, but they have their own lives to lead, problems to solve and memories to create. There are times like right now where I feel alone in my journey and fight to get better. Very alone but I just gotta get on with it. No one else is going to do it for me. I mean! Seriously! And I do. Get on with it. I’m not looking for sympathy. Everyone has their own difficulties and problems every day. So my therapy is in expressing my feelings, positive or negative, in this forum. It really helps me. Helps me to deal with my feelings and thoughts. It allows me to be curious about what it is and then move on.
I have an application based on my time of birth and certain other factors that throws out every day, sensible and motivating, and sometimes exciting challenges based on my horoscope. Called the pattern. And it has been pretty accurate. In fact, it has been very accurate the last few days informing me that I am going to be full of emotions and that I should take it easy today.
As I have said a few times before, why do I not treat myself and in the same way that I treat my most precious loved ones. I am too hard on myself. I need to show myself some love and kindness and self compassion. It’s just so bloody hard. Doing this. All this. Exercising. Walking. Thinking. Dealing with lawyers. Being nice and kind to myself. Being nice and kind to others. That last point comes naturally which is good to know. There have been really quite a few times when I would like to have given up. Even give up. Now! Dark depressing moments of despair.
But I choose not to. I don’t entertain dark negative thoughts. At least I try not to. And I know how to banish them but they always come back. So there is a lot of banishing going on around here.
So here I am, once again in the park, by myself, accompanied by my thoughts as always. Where is all this going.? I would love to know. But I believe in the flow of life and living my own personal journey towards awesomeness. To have “highs” you need to have “lows”.
I’m not sure there is any conclusion here. It is what it is. It comes and goes, it passes. Time for me to continue my walk and get some lunch. And continue with my day. Always full of experiences. Never a dull day.