#388 So…What really Happened?

Wow! This is an incredible period that I am going through right now. After the euphoria of the new year, I have now sunk to the incredible depths of despair.

I am so demoralised. I am in the worst possible space as I feel I have sunk into incredible depths of despair. Frightening and scary. Seriously scary.

I have discovered what really happened following my third operation. It’s curious because the story that I am recounting every day is almost a make believe story. One I have made up to be at peace with myself? Or is it avoidance of reality? Avoidance of the truth?

Well, there is a bit of change in the story. But it is the realisation that for 3 1/2 years, nearly 4, I have thought otherwise. I am not quite sure whether I want to recount it or not. I will wait several days because right now it fills me with a huge amounts of fear.

Still, I am feeling incredibly anxious and nervous. Almost feeling of passing out. Just an hour ago, at 9:00 am, I went back to bed, after visiting the toilet yet again. I don’t know what’s going on, but as is the case with me, my meditation talked to me.

Today was no exception. It was entitled the house party and he was talking about how to welcome uninvited guests to your house and become curious about them. Uninvited guests, such as anxiety, pain, fear, nervous and nausea. They can be bold guests or quiet guests. Bold guests knock loudly on the door come in drink all your drink and are very loud and obnoxious taking up a lot of your valuable space at that particular moment.

The long road ahead

Quiet guests, like nausea, and fear, come in quietly, sit down, and are seen, but not always heard, certainly not all the time. But they are always there and you can feel them.

So the meditation was all about welcoming these houseguests to the party and becoming curious about them and what they bring and why they are there. Lean into the lessons and their presence. By assessing the impact of their presence enables you to continue. To carry on living your up-and-down life.

Onwards and upwards, yet again. This time just with different disguises. It’s all part of the journey and I’m loving it… when I’m not struggling to get through it! When I think I am

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